DNF. I’ll just put it out there. There is no need to have a long drawn out build up to the conclusion of DID NOT FINISH. I’m not blaming the weather. It was hot and humid for everyone out there. I was 50-50 on pulling the plug on the race as I lay in bed at 6:45am for a 7:15 departure to CP. I stretched and did the normal pre-race stuff, but I was just not feeling it. Eat, Drink, Run had a brilliant post about listening to her intuition a couple of weeks ago post-Brooklyn Half. Her intuition said rest, her conscious self ignored the advice and she paid a price on a Thursday night tempo run. As you all know, I generally give my intuition the middle finger and forge ahead. Yesterday, the intuition broke that middle finger and shoved it up my ….
Fast forward to the start in the corrals. Normally, I have the same pre-race jitters as everyone else … butterflies, performance anxiety, etc. Like you, I deal with it and when the horn sounds, I get to work and fuggetaboutit. Yesterday, I wanted to vomit. Literally. When the horn went off I managed to follow the pack. (BTW – I was in the 1st corral even though it was a Club Points race … largely because it was a principally male-dominated field. Many of the quick chicks ran the Mini 10k last week so there was room for the pokes like me.) I did my normal pace check at 800m and was on target 6:59. Then it happened … feelings of STOP, STOP, STOP, THIS SUCKS, I HATE THIS, GO HOME, THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN FINISH THIS RACE. I was stunned. Never before in any run have I felt feelings of despair so early/so intensely, much less in a race. How did I handle it you ask?
I tried to focus on other stuff … the dude in front of me, the teammate taking pictures, etc. It seemed to abate thru the first mile (7:05) and I felt like I’d had moved past it as we were rolling down a slight hill. I figured, get to the East Drive and I’d be home free. Only 3 miles ahead, but favorable terrain. As I worked my way towards the 102nd St. Transverse (road connecting West and East Drive), a teammate came from behind and tapped me on the shoulder. Even though my mood was souring again, I didn’t mind and we ran together for a bit. Then as I hit mile 2 (7:09), it all came rushing back again. I could not fight it anymore. I was done. After a couple of feeble attempts to get it going again, I ripped off my singlet and walked the rest of the route. What happened you ask?
I was mentally and physically exhausted. Not from overtraining … remember, despite my whiney complaints about the J.P. Morgan Corporate Challenge, I felt ok about that little workout. Nope. This beat down was at the hands of my job. And more of an emotional beating and less of a physical one. Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve lead projects, which required a significant investment of mental energy and likely emotional too … getting psyched up, feeling the pressure, delivering and rejoicing. The second assignment concluded last Friday morning and did not leave sufficient recovery time to recharge for what would be a grueling race on Sunday in the heat. And while I have been noticeably sleeping harder (more sound?) the fact that I’ve been sleeping relatively better is a sign that life stressors were adding up. Toss in a couple of late-ish nights, early morning turn arounds and I was burnt. The bottom line is that I just didn’t have the mental resolve to fight thru those remaining 3 miles. So, I bagged it. I’m displeased about it, but it is what it is. After that 2nd mile running stopped being fun, which has never, ever happened. Therefore, I stopped. DNF.
I don’t believe there was any serious damage done psychologically… although I could really use a confidence boost in a race soon with marathon training staring me in the face. (Will post about my training plan later this or next week.) I have a few specific ideas to right the ship, which I will blog about in the next couple days. Meanwhile, after a short race and short time celebrating Father’s Day, I then had to hop aboard a flight to the West Coast for work … more about that tomorrow. BTW – the projects went very well (clients, my CEO happy), so there is that …